The Beginning of the End, Part I

One Year.

It didn’t change overnight. I actually sorta thought it would… but it in fact got a lot worse before it got better. I didn’t board a Midwest-bound flight and suddenly leave my past behind me. I conversely carried quite a few of the same old mistakes with me onto that plane. The cheap high of recklessly running away from your problems faded later that night and the jarring comedown of reality set it.

On the evening of July 31st, 2024, I walked out of the office I called home for the last thirteen years for the last time and boarded a plane for a new adventure twelve hours later. That new adventure was both Road America -a track I had regrettably never been to before- and a new life centered around motorsports. This proved to be one of the smartest dumb ideas I’ve ever had… but it took me the better part of this last year to fully realize that.

Recovery is a tough thing. The weakness of vulnerability and self-doubt is what I’ve struggled with the most over the last year.

I was reliant on a prescribed substance that kept me wired during the day and in turn, flirting with alcoholism to “turn myself off” at night. “Turning myself off at night” both in the sense of allowing my body to get some rest, but also to turn off my mind and mute the constant chatter. To numb it to endless failures and shortcoming suffered throughout the day.

The burnout began on August 1st, 2024, as I laid in my bedroom at the Airbnb with the door shut and screamed “this isn’t possible - this can’t be happening” into my phone with tears streaming down my face. I was “screaming” as quietly as I could to try and conceal the pain of news I just received from the colleagues I was staying with. The thing is -and I didn’t realize this until much, much, later- the burnout was welcome because it was the first step in my recovery. Prior to that, I was whatever the step beyond “burnt out” is. Functionally dead? The burnout that began that evening was a flicker of hope. It wasn’t a dying flame struggling to stay lit - it was a flame struggling but persevering to reignite itself.

The days would get darker before the dawn, but I at least had a flicker to guide me…

To be continued . . .