Offseason Post IV
All I needed was the last thing I wanted… but that wasn’t to be alone in a room because I had done too much of that already. If anything, that was the problem.
Spending most of my days alone never bothered me before, that used to be how I liked it. It still rather is? But this time, as a bizarre consequence of recovering, I was falling too far into myself. The sadness wasn’t there anymore and in its place was a motivation to be better.
I always felt most comfortable by myself and in the dark. But was that still okay? Could I still be “myself” if I wasn’t crippled by a lack of esteem? Was I now fabricating problems just so I’d be able to crawl back into the solitude darkness?
This all hit me as I was working with my photos from Petit & SRO Indy. The results of the culled & processed photos were all dark and solitary, and yet I didn’t feel like I had enough. I wanted more, but of what? I didn’t want everything to be dark… but I wasn’t in love with what I shot in the daylight. I wanted something different without losing my identity.
When the 2025 racing season ended, I was excited and optimistic. I had the stories to tell. But I began struggling to put the words on the page. And so, I’ve been away, a little while…
“I’ve been away, a little while
Sometimes I just can’t help myself
When my mind’s running wild
I seem to lose grip on reality
And I try to disregard the crazy things
The voices tell me to do but it’s no use
I tried to own it, write songs about it
Believe me, I tried, in the end I needed to breathe
Find inspiration, some kind of purpose
To take a second to face the shit that makes me me
I saw the world a couple times
Tried to cure the ache with absence
But that hole was still a hole
And my mind kept playing tricks on me
Feeling older every day
Took everything I had to not crash and burn
But I’m starting to learn
Sometimes I’ll fall down, sometimes I’ll lose hope
But those days will be few if I keep my feet on the ground
I might be lonely but I ain’t alone here
So I keep pushing the limits of what makes me me
I can be better than I was
I can be better than I am”
-D. Worsnop, 2017
